How do court reporters keep straight faces
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' > > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? > > WITNESS: My name is Susan! > > ______________________________ _________________________ > > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? > > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. > > ______________________________ ________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? > > WITNESS: No, I just lie there. > > ______________________________ _______________________ > > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? > > WITNESS: July 18th. > > ATTORNEY: What year? > > WITNESS: Every year. > > ______________________________ _______________________ > > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? > > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. > > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? > > WITNESS: Forty-five years. > > ______________________________ ____________________________ > > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? > > WITNESS: Yes. > > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? > > WITNESS: I forget.. > > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? > > ______________________________ ______________________________ _____ > > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? > > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? > > ______________________________ ______ > > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? > > WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. > > ______________________________ _____________ > > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? > > WITNESS: Are you shitting me? > > ______________________________ ___________ > > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? > > WITNESS: Yes. > > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? > > WITNESS: Getting laid > > ______________________________ ______________ > > ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? > > WITNESS: Yes. > > ATTORNEY: How many were boys? > > WITNESS: None. > > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? > > WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.. Can I get a new attorney? > > ______________________________ ______________ > > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? > > WITNESS: By death. > > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? > > WITNESS: Take a guess. > > ______________________________ ____________ > > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? > > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. > > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? > > WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. > > ______________________________ _______ > > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? > > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. > > ______________________________ ________ > > ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? > > WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. > > ______________________________ ___________ > > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? > > WITNESS: Oral... > > ______________________________ ___________ > > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? > > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM > > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? > > WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. > > ______________________________ ______________ > > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? > > WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? > > ______________________________ ________ > > And last: > > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? > > WITNESS: No. > > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? > > WITNESS: No. > > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? > > WITNESS: No. > > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? > > WITNESS: No. > > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? > > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. > > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? > > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
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