Oldies, but goodies . . .

[SalmonDaze]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama

[AllOutdoors]

Bwawahaha!

[tkwalker]

Good One .. <'TK><

[Halli]

I have one of Jimmy Houston's Audio books and this joke is in it.


I saw the most amazing thing yesterday. It was warm and I took a fishing pole and went down to a small creek that goes behind my house. The water was warm and I was standing beside a deep hole in the creek, fishing beside a fallen tree. I noticed that one particularly large limb of the tree stuck out in the water and was broken off, and right on the end, there laid a large acorn, almost in the water. I didn't think much about it but knew some creature had to lay that acorn there. Not being under a tree, there was no way it could have fallen where it lay.

Later, after I had moved around the hole to another good casting spot, I watched a squirrel hop out onto the fallen tree, spot the acorn and start toward it. He was a bit anxious from me being near, but I stepped back into the shadows just to watch him (fish weren't biting). He finally got his nerve up enough to get out to the end of the log, and get the acorn. Just as he picked it up, a HUGE bass jumped out of the water, and the squirrel was gone!

I stood there dumbstruck, the bass ate a squirrel. But that wasn't the amazing part. The amazing part was when that bass rose back up out of the water winked at me then laid that acorn back on the end of that log.

[Heiny57]

I like it

[MNfisher]

My favorite fishing joke...

A redneck was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentucky’s Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, whut?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"


Mike

[Travis C.]

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.

He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.

‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you’re gonna die."

[SAMBOLIE]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."

The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.